Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Motherhood Mondays.

Ironically, today I spent very little time mothering my child. 
I was buried in textbooks studying most of my Monday,
which, sometimes studying feels like a bit of a much needed "mommy break." 
I love it; I sit in a coffee shop, indulging myself in the music, the people, the coffee.
I have evening classes, so when I got home it is simply time for me to say hello and to kiss my little girl goodnight.

Every night when I'm sitting on the floor in her dark room, 
waiting for her to stop moving, to stop asking me for water, to stop being awake... 
I always psychoanalyze myself as a parent. 
"Am I too impatient? Am I scarring her for life? Does she really need water? Why is she so fidgety? Maybe she has ADD? I wonder if she'd hear me leave?" 
And it goes on and on. For an average of 30 minutes a night.

Tonight, whilst pondering in the darkness, I realized something. 
I do not have it all figured out, and I doubt that I ever will.
So why am I trying so hard to control things, if I don't even know if I'm right?

The other day, I was putting Ramona in her stroller and getting us ready to go for a long walk. 
It was cold, and it was also nap time, so I was trying to bundle her up under a blanket. 
She was fighting me a bit and I said, "Keep your hands under here so you stay warm, don't move so much, you don't really need any more snacks right now..." 
She threw her arms up saying, "I don't need my hands covered!" and pushed the canopy of the stroller back.
As the words came out of my mouth, I seemed to laugh at myself, but I proceeded to say, 
"Quit trying to control everything, Ramona. It's cold." 
Uh oh. I was telling her to stop being exactly like me.

Most days/nights I will say that I have really relaxed as a parent. 
I have begun to let most little things slide, to laugh more about things that may have tested my patience before.

Ramona is my only child, and she isn't even quite three, so I'm still a work in progress.
I can feel the change, I am chilling out and singing those extra few bedtime songs, reading that "one more" book that she always requests. 
I want her to know that I want to give her everything she wants, but as her mother I know that she is happier when she has structure, when she has boundaries. 
Whether she likes it or not, even. 

Ramona is the sweetest, funniest, and the most head strong little girl I've ever met. 
She is so much like both Cody and I. 
Sometimes I try to write down all of the amazing things she thinks up, the incredible vocabulary she experiments with, the observations she makes... 
but she moves a mile a minute and I can't do anything but watch and enjoy every second. 
I want to be more in the moment, happy with everything as it happens,
but I do sometimes get carried away with the desire to give my kid a consistent bedtime routine, a good dose of "that's plenty."
My very type A personality tends to influence my behavior, too.
I am a fantastic mother, I know that, and my relationship with my daughter is a type of closeness that I've never experienced with anyone else.
But still, I am always critical of myself.
I am always searching for ways to be happier, to live more simply, more carefree. 

I see motherhood as an always-changing, ever-learning process.
That's exactly what kids experience, so why would us mamas be any different? 
Ramona June at 3 months old or so. Wasn't she the sweetest? 

(I am taking inspiration from the lovely lady over at A Cup Of Jo with this little post.) 
It might become a series, stay tuned.


No comments:

Post a Comment